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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've enjoyed your column now for some time and well, cliché as it is to say, I never thought I would need to write.
You see, I'm a florist with a sizeable nightbreed clientele. We handle everything from "Congratulations on your death" arrangements to abandoned castle weddings, graveyard dances and re-animation christenings. I love my clients! Well, I love these clients.
However, given that we do have some daylight hours we also get normal "warmie" customers. Many of them are sweet enough, for their kind, but there are a few who just really get my hackles up.
I've been thinking of making some "special" arrangements to send to these clients and I have two ideas.
The first is a European garden style basket filled with man-eating plants and/or poisonous blooms. I've noticed that common growers are rather shy on selection for this sort of thing and I was wondering if you have any advice or contacts that could help me out? Not only would it fill this need, but I just know that some of my little, old brujas would love to have one on their kitchen counter!
The second idea is an assortment of blooms and greens that would make lovely seasoning and a side dish. My problem customer receives that at the same time that a "Thank You" card with their address is sent to one of my good "night time" customers. Do you think that's something my clientele would enjoy? What seasonings would you suggest? Dandelions and rosemary would be nice, and orchids have a very delicate flavor. (No wolfsbane or flowers treated with silver thiosulfate, though, it interferes with my "monthlies".)
Thank you so much for your time! I'll send you something nice for your trouble!
-Lupita
Dear Lupita,
I know how tempting it is to eliminate your "problem customers" with man-eating plants, but that won't serve the needs of your primary clientele and we must first consider our own kind. Besides, importing these little beauties from their natural habitats can become a bureaucratic nightmare; I mean, who really wants to deal with Customs? It would behoove you not to leave a paper trail.
Your idea of providing tasty seasonings and side dishes is brilliant. Just be certain you understand your "night time" customers' dietary requirements and restrictions. These can be found in "Rules of Engagement with the Food", the publication you received subsequent to your transformation. If you don't have yours handy, I'll be happy to send you another. Cilantro, sage, ginger, rose petals, sumac (for those Middle Eastern dishes), would all be appropriate for seasoning and side dishes. Avoid the inclusion of nuts and seeds; many among the living dead suffer terribly from diverticulitis.
Good luck and bon apetit!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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