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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My wife and I have been teetering on the brink of financial ruin for over two years now. We had to institutionalize our young children because of "behavior problems." Our guest bedroom is covered in hardened cat feces. I could be fired from my job any day now as could my wife. I'm clinically obese and drink too much. My pet python is hungry and keeps giving the cats the evil eye. But, anyway, on to my question.... This is so embarrassing... But, is it ALWAYS wrong to serve red wine with fish?
-Matthew
Dear Matthew,
Please don't be embarrassed; I get these questions all the time. Depending on the type of fish and its seasoning and preparation, red wine can be the perfect accompaniment. Of course, I don't eat the stuff myself, but I hear it can be tasty if you're into that sort of thing. Frankly, I find the concept somewhat repugnant.
I'm intrigued by your lifestyle; I love hearing from people living on the edge. What sort of "behavior problems" were your children exhibiting? We have a lovely "camp" for troubled youngsters, you know. It's located in the center of the Mojave desert, hundreds of miles from civilization, and most of our li'l campers understand that escape is futile. For those really incorrigible kiddies bent on breaking out, we have charming, underground dormitories where they can be sheltered from the blazing sun for indefinite periods of time. Some of our activities include stoking the furnace, cooking over a hot fire, bathing and shaving "livestock", and swimming in our heated Olympic-size Vat o' Crisco™. I won't lie: We've had mixed results. We've turned out some very well-adjusted children (these make good drones) and some delightfully inventive serial killers, as well! You win some, you lose some. Kids just aren't as tough as they used to be. If you'd like to take a chance, we probably won't damage your kids as much as you already have. Give them to us for a summer and we'll send back something completely unexpected. If you don't like the changes in your children, red wine will go well with them, too.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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