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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Hey GF--
I've seen so much crappy TV lately that I began to wonder why there are no living-dead-friendly series on the airwaves? Surely the network executives are missing out on a huge demographic. Are they just being obtuse, do you think, or is there some kind of double-standard at work?
They clearly recognize the potential for profit when the zombies are the "villains" in a film, and yet none of their programming caters to our interests... no cooking shows, no wildlife programs, no "Bowling For Long Pork." What gives here? I WANT MY ZTV™!
-Leper Stu
Fort Wayne, IL
Dear Stu,
It's apparent that most network execs don't fully understand how large and powerful a demographic we really are. All that's out there for us now is ZNN, and that tends to get rather depressing. The good news is that TZN is largely comprised of living dead entities, and when we are on the air, there will be a veritable smorgasbord available for your viewing pleasure and geared to our specific "tastes." I suppose they'll have to pander somewhat to their mortal audience, but even those types are beginning to appreciate our sensibilities. TZN should prove to be a wonderful recruitment tool in addition to the world's best entertainment venue.
Some of the shows I've been pitching to the suits are as follows:
- Dating "Game": Reality/Comedy. 30 minutes. Graphic violence.
Each week one lucky zombie gets to choose a human contestant with whom he will go out on the town, and then devour -- on camera!
- Stalking Stuffer: Outdoor/Wildlife. 30 minutes. Graphic violence.
Our gun-slinging host takes us on human-game hunting expeditions in picturesque locales the world over. This show offers tips on weaponry, building blinds, stalking techniques, "field dressing" and taxidermy, for those who prefer trophies to meat. Each week the show culminates with a spectacular kill. The carcass is then prepared on Feeding Frenzy, which follows immediately thereafter!
- Feeding Frenzy: Educational/Lifestyle. 30 minutes. Graphic violence and nudity.
Chef Mikey demonstrates exotic recipes for every part of the human body while ravenous studio-audience members sample his culinary masterpieces.
- Whose Spleen Is It Anyway?: Dram-edy. One hour. Graphic violence, nudity and
strong language.
A day in the lives of four hapless interns at a League hospital in Arkansas, and their trials and tribulations treating Demon Warts, advanced decay and facial reconstruction while juggling their extra-marital affairs and family responsibilities.
- Zombie Cops: Unintentional Comedy. 30 minutes. Graphic violence, nudity and strong language.
Zombie Cops will focus on the seedy underbelly of League-life among underprivileged, uneducated zombies in large, southern American cities.
- Trial & Error: True Crime/Courtroom Drama. 30 minutes. Graphic violence, nudity and strong language.
This show will feature highlights of living dead entities' court appearances as they attempt to garner popular support/excuses for bad behavior. All famous defendants will be acquitted regardless of the evidence presented against them.
- Dr. Ghoulfriend: Self-help. 30 minutes. Graphic violence, nudity and
strong language.
My own program during which I will counsel less fortunate souls on dysfunctional relationships, eating disorders, etiquette and decorating dilemmas.
- Trading Faces: Lifestyle. 30 minutes. Graphic violence and strong language.
Surgical makeovers for League members with disfiguring decomposition, avascular necrosis and low self esteem. Each show will follow patients through all the stages of their makeovers: Insecurity and self-loathing, initial consultations and surgery, recovery, wardrobe, and finally, complete self-involvement and embarrassing, exhibitionist behavior.
Stu, when we launch, you'll never want to leave your house again. Guaranteed.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More Dead And Loving It
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