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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm sitting here with my boyfriend, and we can see in your windows. What is that thing on the side of your neck? Sometimes, we see you rub a purplish goo substance on your neck and do a wee dance to celebrate the darkness. What's that all about? We thought perhaps it was some kind of undead kinkiness, so we gave it a shot...oh, the issues this brought up between us. First of all, my boyfriend...let's call him Adam...thought my goo was the wrong consistency and not a showy enough purple. He said the pale purple of my goo was the same as the dress his childhood neighbor Mr. Witherspoon wore when he touched him. Oddly, he started to cry, and the tribal face paint he smeared onto his cheeks bled and dripped onto the carpet. Anyway, I thought I would continue the ritual and start dancing for him and all the neighbors peering into OUR windows. I broke my ankle! Now what am I going to do? I look like some old man in a dress, my ankle's broken, my boyfriend's running naked down Jackson street crying and I still can't figure out what in God's name you're doing to your neck!!!!!!!!! Help me! Help us save our relationship, or at least stop dancing with the goo in front of your window. Weirdo.
-Purple and Perplexed
Dear Purple,
I suppose I should post a sign that says "Don't try this at home." Humans should never attempt to dance with and/or replicate the "purple goo" as you call it. It can only lead to disaster, as you have so painfully discovered.
What you have witnessed through my windows is a post-permanent-death bonding ritual with my former house boy Fidel. He got hold of a poison corpse in the dumpster outside the Krispy Kreme, and by the time he got home he'd nearly expired. After a few hours of writhing in agony, he dissolved into the purple goo you see today. We had to use the Wet-Vac to get rid of the mess, but the carpets were ruined. (The worst part of it was that he wasn't around to clean it for me!) I scooped up a cup or so of his remains, put it in a Tupperware container and froze it. Now when I miss him, I thaw him out in the microwave and try to absorb him through my pores. We used to love to dance the Merengué, but freezer burn has taken its toll on his rhythm.
I know you're not League members, dear, but our doctors would be happy to take a look at your Adam. They are quite well-versed in specific psychoses of all species and their lobotomies work miracles in almost everyone. They've had a few "oopses", but what physician hasn't? Through their extensive research they have concluded that lobotomies work as well for broken ankles as they do for childhood traumas. Call us today and we'll fit you both in; I promise that this little incident will soon be no more than a dim memory.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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