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Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm wondering if you and Spiffy might have some insight into a question I have. What do you think is the real reason Bigfoot doesn't just come out of hiding? Is it really fear of exposure and what irrational humans would do or is it something else? Could they be spiteful of over a century of misrepresentation? Between Leonard Nimoy and that episode of the 6 Million Dollar man the 70's must have been a hard decade for the missing link. I wonder if they have a contract out on Lee Majors' life? Is it the constant competition for headlines with the Loch Ness Monster and Bat Boy? What do you think?
In search of... answers,
-AW
Dear AW,
The cryptid to whom you refer as "Bigfoot" is named Ed Bucciarelli. He is the last remaining member of the Sasquatch species in North America. All the other members of his clan fled to Monaco several years ago in an effort to escape the prying eyes of the paparazzi.
Ed is highly intelligent and somewhat introspective and he relishes his solitude. He's a bit of a nerd, actually, and prefers the company of books and computers to that of his own family. Through savvy investment strategies, he amassed a small fortune during the Dotcom boom of the 90s and got out before the tech bubble burst. Now he spends most of his time in his lavish subterranean compound far beneath the Rocky Mountains, writing his memoirs and selling fictional accounts of Bigfoot sightings to the tabloids.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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