Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I hear constant pounding in my head. It's a metallic, clanging sound and it never stops. I hear it all day and most of the night until I fall asleep; even then it invades my slumber and I'm tormented by dreams of gnarled dwarves prospecting for gold. Help me, Ghoulfriend, I want my life back.
-Crazy from the noise
Dear Crazy,
I would kill for dreams like yours. Dreams of gnarled dwarves are rare and they sometimes mean the dreamer will come into a large sum of money. Now is the time to play the lottery; if I were you, I'd play a combination of your birth date and telephone number every day for a complete lunar cycle.
Surprisingly, however, dreams of gnarled dwarves wielding pickaxes do not always portend good fortune. Occasionally gnarled dwarves physically enter a person's head and they can do rather extensive damage before being surgically excised. If you've noticed grey matter in your ears or on your pillow, forget the Powerball and call 9-1-1.
Gnarled Dwarf Brain Molestation™ is not always fatal, but some impairment is inevitable. I highly recommend a stay at our Brain Surgery & Liposuction Clinic. Forget the ugly rumors you may have heard; they rarely mix up the two procedures. You'll leave the clinic feeling reborn and ten pounds lighter. After removal from your head, your gnarled dwarf will undergo intensive hypnotherapy sessions during which he will be firmly convinced that he is a lawn ornament. He should pose no further threat to society.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More Cryptozoology
Return to the Table of Contents
