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Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have a dilemma that I hope you can help me with. I met a guy a few weeks ago that I'm really attracted to. The problem is that he's subterranean and has no eyes. It's been difficult getting together for dates because he keeps losing his way to my apartment. I'd go to his place but I'm afraid of worms. What should I do?
-Phoebe Scoleci
Dear Phoebe,
I once dated a subterranean fellow named Moe. He didn't have eyes either, but his sense of direction was flawless. He couldn't drive, of course, but he slithered very quickly and I rode around on his back everywhere we went. Even if we'd had a few too many drinks and weren't sure of the way home, all we had to do was follow his slime trail from earlier in the evening and we'd find our way. We had some great times together until one snowy evening when the salt trucks hit the streets.... It's difficult to talk about even now.
Subterranean men can make great friends and romantic interests, but the relationship really needs to be on their terms. Traveling above ground can be quite daunting for them, and many suffer from crippling agoraphobia. Moe was a hearty, adventurous soul, but I've since discovered that he was an exception. Many subTs are flabby, pale creatures who prefer reading computer manuals and comic books (in braille, of course) to living real lives.
It would seem that your guy is cut from the same cloth as my dear Moe, so don't let him get away. Get professional help with your phobia, if necessary, and visit him in his underground lair. You may never want to live above ground again. I'm sure you'll both be very happy!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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