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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
In one of your recent columns, you received a letter from someone called Name withheld by Coroner who claimed to be undead. He claimed that he had "nibbled" on a young girl in 1967 but she did not die until 2004. As you are well aware, a bite by a true member of the League of the Living Dead results in "conversion" from living to undead in well under 24 hours. So, either he is some sort of weak hybrid zombie or he is lying. Either way, I would like to know where he is hiding so that I can go and terminate him and his "girlfriend."
-General "White Eyes" Wallis
P.S. The soldiers of the Army of the Living Dead keep pestering me for photos of you in caribou antlers, a gingham apron, fishnet stockings and Chuck Taylors. If such photos exist, would you be kind enough to send me some? The troops would really appreciate it!
Dear General Wallis,
It is always a treat to hear from you! As you know, I am sensitive to all my readers' needs and I try not to insult or alienate any of them, unless they really deserve it.
I, too, was perplexed by the delay in death and subsequent reanimation of his young niblet, so I asked Urrrr about it. He informed me that "Name withheld" is a vampire who prefers the company of zombies. I'd say he has exquisite taste in companions, wouldn't you? I will give him the benefit of the doubt and ask that you refrain from destroying him, at least for now. I sent dear Urrrr a prosthetic foot equipped with a camera and a listening device so that we can be kept apprised of any further difficulties "Name withheld" may be having. Perhaps the vapid twit who stalked him drove him to the brink of a psychotic break; it's ghouls like her that give the rest of us a bad name. I would have eaten her long ago, but then, I have far less patience with wannabes than most have.
Urrrr "euthanized" her because "Name withheld" was far too attached to her to do so himself. He then studied a cross section of her torso to count the rings and determine her age as a living dead entity. Turns out she was 54 years old, but never a League member. She was simply a middle-aged secretary-turned-Goth who overdosed on Anne Rice and Hot Topic, and believed she would find true happiness in the cemetery among the creatures of the night. She would have if she'd been honest about her intentions, but because Urrrr followed my Smoothie recipe to the letter, there was no hope for her reanimation. All was not lost, however -- Urrrr and his buddies had a wonderful feast on her mortal remains.
Now for your photo request: As you know, I had this one done for my stalker in Montana, but I'm sure he won't mind if I share it with you and the troops. I am flattered that you believe this photo of me will please them; it's sexy, yet dignified, if I do say so myself. You know I always do whatever it takes to bolster the morale of the Army of the Living Dead.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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