Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
As is my custom Monday morning, I was reading your column and discovered that there may be those among us that do not know how to deal with "problem" humans (killing League members, etc.). Such matters can easily be handled by referring them to the Army of the Living Dead! Simply call our 800 number (1-800-Dead-Army) or send us an e-mail (ArmyoftheDead@ld.army.mil) and I will send one of our quick reaction squads to eliminate the problem! As a reward for your community service, we will even give you a large serving of the carcass!
Have a great ARM-y day!
-General "White Eyes" Wallis
Dear General Wallis,
It's a pleasure to hear from you, as always. I'm ashamed to say I neglected to mention the efficacy of The Army of the Living Dead in my response to the fellow who'd been offended by the zombie hunter. My bad.
You are correct, of course. The indoctrination of children is important, but it doesn't address the immediate problem of a human who is ready and willing to kill members of our species. These people must be dealt with quickly and ruthlessly, and no one is better equipped for that task than our very own Army of the Living Dead. These brave men and women have dedicated their "lives" to protecting our kind and they do so with relish. (No pun intended.) They are specially trained to exterminate human vermin wherever they find it, thereby creating new recruits! Their motto, after all, is: "Increasing our Legions - One Bite at a Time®."
Thank you again for your dedication, your wisdom and your time, General Wallis!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
Return to the Table of Contents
