The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Sadistic Soirées

Dear Ghoulfriend,
My inlaws are coming over for Thanksgiving for the first time. Do you have any special recipes I should try?
Voraciously yours,
-I. Hatehisparents

Dear I.,
I like to celebrate Thanksgiving with as much authenticity as I can achieve. It is difficult to find real Pilgrims these days (unless they're old League members), but I find that substituting those lovable, dogmatic evangelicals for Pilgrims is adequate for my purposes (okay, they're really more like Puritans in temperament, but trust me, when you dress them up in costumes, they look just like Pilgrims). I keep a fleet of pickup trucks handy so my associates and I can transport them from the deep south back to our homes in civilization. Once in our houses and away from prying eyes, we dress them for dinner. My favorite dressing (based on a 150 pound human) is as follows:

1 lb. of sweetbreads
1 c of liver, diced
2 T of ocular fluid (to taste)
8 lbs. of crushed bones (I use a hydraulic press for this)
3 hearts, minced
1/4 c sage

Mix these ingredients together well and stuff all body cavities. After stuffing, place "the food" in its costume, and strap it down on the serving table. Remember, presentation is everything, so be sure to decorate your harvest table with pumpkins, squash, pretty gourds, Indian corn and beautiful candles in fall colors. This is the holiday when we give thanks for our bounty, and your guests will appreciate you going the extra mile for them. "It's a good thing™."

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