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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I like walking in the park in the springtime, but this spring my local park is overrun with zombies and now I have to run instead of walk. When will the zombies go back inside so I can resume my leisurely pace?
-Reservoir Dog
Dear Res,
This is just one of the myriad public services we provide, but do we ever get credit for these random acts of kindness? Of course not. Zombies come out in the spring so that humans can get better workouts and burn off the foul-tasting fat they acquire through the long winter months. Running burns more calories than walking and this contributes to the fitness of the human specimen, thereby increasing the strength and fitness of "the herd" as a whole. Weak and infirm members of the herd are "culled" by our League members and your species is happily left stronger and more fit for survival. This process is called "natural selection" and it takes place in every species on earth. Zombies are critically important in maintaining the delicate balance of nature. Without us, humanity would eventually become extinct. No thanks are necessary; we do it all for you.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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