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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I met this really hot guy last month, but he seems to have forgotten I'm alive. He has my phone number but he hasn't called me and I don't know his number. Do you know of any spells I can cast that will make him contact me?
-Hot and bothered
Dear Hot,
If the man has your contact information and hasn't called, he is probably not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If you refuse to accept that, however, you can cast a spell. A friend used it years ago with great success. I'm a bit hazy on the ingredients, but I think it involved an absinthe spoon, a red candle, a hat pin and a can of Spam.
Love spells are most potent when cast during the full moon. Using the hat pin, carve the man's full name into the Spam. Light the red candle and then carefully slice off the portion of Spam that bears his name. Place the slice, with the name facing down, on the Absinthe spoon and hold it over the candle until lightly browned. Turn the Spam over so the name is facing up. Look at the Spam. Imagine the man's face in the Spam. Concentrate on his face while the Spam cooks. When both sides are crispy, eat the Spam and place the remaining, uncooked Spam next to the phone. Repeat the entire process every day until the Spam is gone. At that point, you will indelibly associate the man's face with the flavor of Spam and want nothing further to do with him. This spell also works for weight loss.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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