Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Hi Ghoulfriend,
I'm at the end of my rope. Literally. See, I had attempted what I thought would be an easy means of escape from a world gradually being overrun by the walking dead: I tossed a noose over a lamppost and hanged myself. Problem is, I came to shortly after my initial demise. I've now been hanging around the same street-corner for several months. For a while, the remaining humans in my area used me for sport, as a sort of piñata; now that they're in the minority they don't come outside at all. My geographical location (Florida) offers a somewhat consistent climate, though the sun is murder. I feel like an alligator handbag, which is funny, because even the alligators wandering the deserted streets don't seem interested in gnawing on my mobile friends anymore. My main concern is that none of my pals seem capable of using an implement to cut me down from here. I'm tired of being a windsock. This is extremely boring, and I'm hungry! Please send takeout! Thanks in advance for any assistance you might be able to give.
-Ramon in Ft. Myers
Darling Ramon,
I am so sorry we haven't gotten to you yet. Our rescue teams have been kept busy in southeast Asia of late, and we just don't have the manpower to spare. Normally a scenario like this could be capably handled by the resident LDE population and would not require the special services of a rescue squad. It's just too bad you decided to hang yourself in Florida; the caliber of LDEs there just isn't what it should be. We're not sure if it's the water, the sun, or the shallow gene pool, but they're all a little slower than the average ghoul. I will send a team to you within the week, but in the meantime, try calling out for a snowbird -- they're typically much quicker and smarter and they'll understand what you need. All of our offices in Florida are headed by creatures who were originally from New Jersey, New York or Pennsylvania. This is no accident, I assure you; there is a clause in our contract prohibiting southern natives from the administration of League offices. Geo-genetic discrimination is not addressed in the terms governing Affirmative Action and cannot be challenged in a court of law. While it may seem harsh to some, it's the only way to get anything accomplished in a timely fashion.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More of The League Of The Living Dead
Return to the Table of Contents
