The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Ghoulfriend's Kitchen

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I see from the description of what you have to offer us that you claim to have some great recipes. Hopefully you can help me because I'm truly at my wits' end. Every night it's the same damn thing: I come home from work, and my boyfiend asks, "What's for dinner?" I ask him what he wants, but is he any help? No! It's always, "Whatever you feel like cooking, honey." First of all, would it KILL him to cook once in a while? And secondly, when I do just cook what I want, all he does is complain. It's never "Yum, sweetie pie, that's awesome!" No, instead it's, "Great -- brains in cheese sauce AGAIN?!?!?! Can't you be more original?" So, my dear Ghoulfriend, I am counting on your vast knowledge of brain fixin's to help me out here. Thanks in advance for your help.
Out of Ideas in Idaho

Dear Outtie,
First of all, what is your boyfiend doing while you're working? If he's lounging around the crypt all day while you're out busting your butt to bring home dinner, HE'S the one who should be doing the cooking! Honestly, men these days are so spoiled! My advice to you is to stop cooking altogether until he is willing to help out. And don't tell him, but raw food is much better for you anyway.

Obviously, I'm most familiar with raw brains ("sashimi" to our people), but I hear that Larousse Gastrointestinique has some delightful cooking and serving suggestions. However, most of those recipes are not suitably "last-minute"; they require hours of preparation and who wants to get into that after a hard day of hunting and killing at the mall? Unless you have hired help or your boyfiend is willing to do some time in the kitchen, your best bet is to do something quick and dirty -- like take-out.

One of the best kept secrets in Idaho is "Bob's Beastro" on the outskirts of Pocatello. Bob is an acquaintance of mine and he keeps the place pretty well-stocked. As is always the case with our establishments, the location sometimes changes without notice and dishes are served on an as-available basis. Locally grown brains are freshly harvested several times daily, and when they're in season, May through August, tourist brains are usually on the menu as well. (Those disappearances are usually chalked up to hiking mishaps in the wilderness and no one ever suspects us.) There's also a wide variety of other organ meats, and of course, the standard muscle tissue, entrails and skin dishes from which to choose. The price is right, too! They don't deliver, but there is a take-out counter and they have a small number of tables if you feel like dining there, under the stars. Reservations are recommended, though not required. Our population is growing in that area (as it is everywhere), so the place tends to get a bit crowded late in the evening.

Also, dear, when you're not dining out, serving brains with cheese sauce isn't really very healthy. Sure, it's tasty, but cheese does have a tendency to speed up the degenerative process in our already compromised tissues and it's really just empty calories. I avoid dairy products like the plague. I stick to a raw-meat (human only!) diet and I've had no problems with it. If you want a fabulous sauce to ladle over those brains, try grinding up some raw giblets in your food processor and adding just a touch of ocular fluid, along with a sprinkling of blood. It's fast and easy and it goes with any meat dish you can think of. I guarantee you will love it and your boyfiend will probably stop complaining (though how he has the nerve to complain at all is beyond imagining). If not, there are things that can be done about him and I will be MORE than happy to help.

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