The Ghoulish Guidance Archive


Dear Ghoulfriend,
My prized petunias are being attacked by aphids. What can I do?
-Lily M.

Dear Lily,
Aphids are the vampires of the insect world; they suck the life's blood out of a plant and eventually kill it. You must deal with an aphid exactly as you would a vampire. To keep them away from your petunias, hang small garlands of garlic around each stem and circle each plant with little wooden crosses. This usually does the trick, but some aphids are tough little customers, and you're left with no alternative but to kill them. To kill an aphid, you must drive a wooden stake through its heart*.
*Electron microscope required.

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