Extraterrestrial Pests

Dear Spiffy,
My 2 dogs Chewbacca and Seven bark like crazy at the littlest sound! They go absolutely bonkers for minutes on end. I don't want to get those shock collars as I find them cruel but I'm at a loss. They also keep digging up Grandpa who's getting pretty annoyed at the constant interruptions!! Help!!
-"Thrill Kill" Will

Dear T.K.W.,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!


Dear T.K.W.,
Dogs have very acute hearing and what you perceive as "the littlest sound" is deafening to them, as is the case when a portal between dimensions is opened. Additionally, dogs have an extremely well-developed sixth sense, enabling them to see entities which people are unable to see.

I am certain that Chewbacca and Seven are merely trying to alert you to the presence of intruders from other dimensions. Don't worry; this is not uncommon.

Extra-dimensional travelers are not always welcome visitors in one's home. Be wary of those who avoid making direct contact with you. They are, at the very least, mischief makers and sometimes petty criminals. They take advantage of their unwitting hosts by ordering pay per view movies, running up huge long distance and credit card bills and drinking their beer.

If your dogs bark incessantly every day, your home is probably a hub for multiple dimensions. If I were you, I'd cancel long distance service and get rid of the credit cards. Change the password on your pay per view service frequently and keep your beer safely at work.

As for Grandpa, you may want to look into above-ground accomodations for him. We dogs do like old bones, you know, and it's really not very humane to make the elderly climb in and out of low graves.

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