Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My husband bought a Komodo Dragon and I'm scared to death of it. I haven't slept a wink since he got it three days ago. It glares at me with hunger in its beady eyes and I know it's just waiting for me to fall asleep so it can pounce on me. I'm scared and really tired. Please help me!
-Jeannine Billingsley
Dear Jeannine,
I suspect the state of your marriage is less than blissful. If your husband has requested a divorce, by all means grant it! If he hasn't, it's pretty clear that he intends to kill you, collect the insurance money and move to South Beach with a red-haired "dancer" at the club where he spends most of his free time. Of course, this is not merely conjecture based upon years of experience and a grueling 3-hour seminar at the Dear Abby Center for Advice and Mind Control. I also have a Magic 8 Ball and I know how to use it.
My advice to you is to purchase and train your own Irradiated Komodo Dragon™; they grow to an enormous size and no force on earth can defeat them. You may need a larger home to accommodate your new friend, but their companionship and fierce loyalty is unequaled and well worth the investment. Few bonds are as strong as that between a woman and her Komodo Dragon. Your husband will meekly ask for a divorce, sign over the house and car and slink off to the humidity of the Everglades with his skanky stripper, where they'll both die of flesh-eating fungal infections. Hope that helps.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
Return to the Table of Contents
