The Ghoulish Guidance Archive


Dear Ghoulfriend,
I live in Florida and have discovered a very disturbing female subculture here. In the Florida brochures and TV tourism commercials they show all these babes in G-String Bikinis. I move here hoping to get lucky and what do I find? Chicks with sideburns, NASCAR jackets, and semi-rotted teeth! What is up with that!? Would this fall under false advertising? Can I sue?
Sideburned in Bartow

Dear Sideburned,
This is not exactly a news flash to me. It's a little known fact that fully half of the female population in Florida are werewolves and although they do invariably show up in the tourism brochures, their photos are summarily retouched; no one really wants to see a long, fluffy tail protruding from the back of a thong bikini. Do you primarily frequent diners, theme parks and Wal-Mart? They tend to congregate in large numbers at these places, though no one seems to know why. Despite their somewhat jarring appearance, werewomen do have a special charm, particularly during a full moon. They are very loyal and these gals will fetch your newspaper, bring you your slippers AND catch mice, all for just a pat on the head and a bowl of kibble. It is important that you take your werewoman to the Vet once a year for a full check-up, including a dental exam.

There is, however, another possible explanation for the bearded ladies you mentioned. The world-famous Barton Drive-Thru Laser-Orchiectomy Center in Winter Haven offers male-to-female gender reassignment surgery, manicures and a tanning salon on the fly (no pun intended). It is entirely possible that the preponderance of hairy women you are seeing are not really fully-formed biological females, but rather postoperative patients who haven't completed their hormone therapies. I can offer no such excuse for the teeth, though. There is, in fact, NO excuse for that.

No matter what the reason for the hirsuteness and unfortunate lack of dental hygiene, stay away from ANYONE wearing a NASCAR jacket or cap. "We" don't even bother with those types - their flesh is far too high in fat and cholesterol from all the pork rinds and cheap beer they typically consume on any given weekend, and on the rare occasions that their brains are able to reanimate at all, they're usually too weak to move their own bodies.

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